Day 22 - Letting Go of Shame (Part 2)
The feeling of shame is about our very selves – not about some bad thing we did or said but about what we are. It tells us that we are unworthy. Totally. It is not as if a few seams in the garment of our selves need stitching; the whole fabric is frayed. We feel that we are unacceptable. And to feel that is a life-wearying heaviness. Shame-burdened people are the sort whom Jesus had in mind when he invited the ‘weary and heavy laden’ to trade their heaviness for his lightness. ~Lewis Smedes
Shame is an extensive topic and I could no more cover it here than reduce Beethoven’s 9th Symphony into one sound bite. However, here are a few thoughts…When we feel we are unacceptable, Lewis Smedes, in his book Shame and Grace, suggests that we generally turn to one of three paths to cope.
- Lowering our ideals to the level of our abilities to meet them.
- Making ourselves acceptable enough to satisfy the ideals we already have.
- Persuading ourselves that we are just fine the way we are.
Each of these paths has its own problem. In the first case, the fundamental flaw is that it “assumes we can dilute our ideals” whenever we find them inconvenient. In the second case, it is quite impossible for someone who feels the heaviness of shame to snap out of it and make himself or herself acceptable. “To tell…people to raise their achievement to match their ideals may be like telling a paraplegic that he should take long walks to get his legs in shape.” In the final case, chanting a mantra about how worthy you are does not necessarily change the way you feel about yourself.Given the failure of the general coping mechanisms employed to heal shame, it seems unlikely that I will be able to let go of shame just by gritting my teeth and being determined to do so. It takes someone outside of me to truly accept me for who I am. Receiving grace…true grace, not fluffy or fake grace…will ultimately heal my shame.
The experience of being accepted is the beginning of healing for the feeling of being unacceptable. Being accepted is the single most compelling need of our lives…Grace is the beginning of our healing because it offers the one thing we need most: to be accepted without regard to whether we are acceptable…Grace overcomes shame, not by uncovering an overlooked cache of excellence in ourselves but simply by accepting us, the whole of us, with no regard to our beauty or our ugliness, our virtue or our vices.Grace has one loving phrase: you are accepted.
I have been lavished with grace by a God who loves me…all of the goodness and the brokenness that is me. I have a husband and family and friends that pour out grace on me and yet, it seems I am not healed from my shame. Is there not enough grace? Here’s what I’ve learned: I’ve got spiritual asthma. There is tons of grace! Like air, it’s all around me. But, I’m trying to suck the grace in through a tiny cocktail straw when I’m meant to be gulping it in and letting it fill my lungs. My friends over at TrueFaced have helped me see that no matter how much grace God and others have for me, I will only experience it to the extent that I allow it to be so.If I want to let go of shame, I must willingly trust the grace that is offered. It may be hard to receive grace, but once you experience breathing in grace with full lungs, there is no going back to sipping grace through a tiny straw. We must practice receiving grace from God and others. Further, we must practice giving grace to others and so help to melt away their shame.Here are some helpful resources on shame and grace:Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don't DeserveThe Cure: What if God isn't who you think He is and neither are you?