Day 22 - Letting Go of Shame
Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. ~Brene Brown
I watched the 1986 movie The Mission last night. In the movie, Robert DeNiro plays Rodrigo Mendoza, a mercenary and slave trader in 18th Century South America. Mendoza mercilessly hunts down the Guaraní Indians who live “above the falls,” capturing them to be sold as slaves in Asuncion, Paraguay. Upon his return from one such profitable trip, he discovers that his girlfriend is really in love with his brother and kills him. He is sent to jail where, in solitude, he wrestles with the legitimate guilt as well as the shame of all he has done. When Father Gabriel (Jeremy Irons), who works as a missionary among the Guaraní, visits Mendoza in jail, Mendoza claims, “There is no redemption. There is no penance hard enough…”In the next scene, we see Mendoza with a thick rope wrapped around his body which drags behind him a large net filled with heavy armor as was typical of soldiers in that day. He is trudging along in several scenes, through rivers and climbing mountains, always dragging the net filled with armor. Accompanying him is a small band of Jesuit priests led by Father Gabriel. At one point, one of the priests, taking pity on Mendoza and his struggle, cuts the net off his back, letting it fall down the mountain into the stream below. Without a word, Mendoza, retraces his steps to retrieve the heavy burden and re-attaches it to himself, beginning the ascent once again. We overhear a conversation among the priests that Mendoza has carried the burden long enough, but Father Gabriel points out that Mendoza doesn’t think so. The slow, tortuous trek continues until the group reaches the top of the falls where they are met by the Guaraní. The Indians greet the priests as friends, but one of the Guaraní men grabs a knife and heads over to Mendoza who is still shackled by the net of armor he is dragging. Mendoza understands his vulnerable position. His armor is in the net he is dragging and he is totally exposed to the people who he had previously killed or enslaved. There is a moment of tension and some discussion in a language we cannot understand. The Guaraní warrior slowly moves the knife from Mendoza’s throat to the thick rope that binds him to the heavy load and cuts the load off his back. It tumbles down the mountain and into the river. Mendoza begins to weep uncontrollably as he realizes he is free from the burden of shame and guilt he has been carrying. The very people he persecuted gave him his freedom. It's a powerful scene dripping with meaning. As the movie continues, Mendoza begins to feel his worth through the love of the Guaraní as well as the priests. There are many other powerful insights that come out of this movie, but the image of carrying a heavy burden is so vividly portrayed, I thought it would be fitting to share it here. It’s in two parts:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKS5rKCzqjghttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzhhFRqjF_oAlthough Mendoza is carrying real guilt around as symbolized by the net full of armor. It got me thinking about the ways in which we carry around our shame. With a net full of shame, we trudge through life, feeling unworthy of love and fearing that we will never belong. We must find a way to let our burden of shame drop into the river, and perhaps the very people we were afraid would not love us will be the very ones who will help us let go of the shame. More on this in another post.