Day 7 - Letting Go of "Fixing" Others

Remember that the opposite of love is not really hatred, but control. God remains in love and therefore out of the control mode. When we are not in love, we are invariably trying to control everything… ~Richard Rohr

I have just spent the last two days with my amazing and delightful sister. She has been married for the last 22 years to a real-life cowboy and they live in a tiny two-bedroom house at the end of a dirt road in a small town surrounded by the beautifully stark northern Arizona desert. It sounds idyllic, but their life has been far from it. Jeff and Cindy work harder at doing life than most people I know. In fact, Jeff’s brother says, “If other people lived up to their potential like Jeff does, we would all be rocket scientists or brain surgeons.” You see, both Jeff and Cindy are developmentally delayed. They are mentally handicapped.Cindy’s imperfection is the counterpoint to my perfectionism and she carries the antidote of love to my critical attitude. She has much to teach me, still.The aspect of letting go that I struggle with most when I am with them is letting go of trying to “fix” them. Cindy’s ready smile is toothless and her extra weight makes her diabetic feet hurt terribly.  The dust and rocks from the street are tracked into the house and mix with the crumbs and grease from the kitchen, creating a special amalgam on which to walk. The bathroom is over-due for a cleaning and the computer keyboard desperately needs one of those air blasters.   Cat hair is a protective coating on the couch and cooking grease is a heavy veneer in the kitchen.The list goes on, and I’m pretty sure, with the knowledge and resources I have, I can fix most, if not all, of these things! And, they do need help. Have you ever tried to refinance your house or apply for assistance with an agency? Or tried to buy shoes that won’t hurt your feet when you walk? Or installed a printer or a network connection? Or set up an online payment? It’s complicated!So, here are a few thoughts that I’m pondering as I come away from Rimrock, as I do every time I visit. First of all, I want to acknowledge that my urge to “fix” them may not be grounded in a genuine loving desire to see them flourish. Perhaps they are already flourishing, but it just looks different than my idea of flourishing. Am I simply trying to control them to make them look more like me so I can feel less uncomfortable when I’m with them? Alternatively, my discomfort with their situation can make me swing the other direction and decide that it’s not my place to “fix” them at all, thus abdicating any sense of urgency to help. And, since I don’t live close enough to be present in the midst of all the chaos, walking with them on a daily basis, loving and coaching along way, I feel like my time with them needs to be “strategic”.Here’s what actually happens. I kind of flip-flop between “fixing” and “not fixing”. Sometimes when I’m there I spend time fixing things that need to be fixed, other times when I’m there, I simply hang out. This time, I did both. They are always grateful for a visit, no matter what it entails and I try to be sensitive to their real needs and desires. But, it certainly is not a perfect system!To be honest, Jeff and Cindy are not the only ones I want to “fix”. So, what’s the real issue? Control. Perhaps others end up feeling controlled because I’m trying to “fix” them. (ouch!) What I really want to communicate is that I love them. If I can embrace the discomfort I feel when I’m around people I want to “fix”, perhaps I can let go of the need to “fix” and enter into a more loving posture. Cindy sure loves me. She’s not trying to “fix” me! Like I said, I have much to learn. God help me.This post is pitifully inadequate to deal with this idea and I imagine there are volumes written on this topic, so I’ll stop here. Any thoughts?