Day 2 -- Letting Go of Perfectionism
Shame is the birthplace of perfectionism. ~Brene Brown
Perfectionism is a big problem for me. (Breathe in… breathe out) There, I said it! It’s actually no surprise to the people in my life. But, me? I’m always a little shocked that I’m actually a perfectionist because I want to be so perfect as to not even have a problem with being perfect! I mean, isn’t it possible to be perfect and not be a terrible perfectionist?? Look at Mary Poppins… she was “practically perfect”… And, anyway, isn’t the end game of spirituality, perfection? Aren’t we all supposed to be working towards perfection?? Maybe I’m just ahead of the game…? End rant.I thought I would start off with taking a hard look at letting go of being perfect, because, well, I’ve been dealing with it for so long and I suspect it might be something that is an underlying cause of other issues that I have with letting go. My perfectionism manifests itself in a variety of ways. My house is not surgically clean, but it is mostly organized and picked up. I shudder to think of having dirty dishes in my sink, or my bed unmade when I leave the house or when people stop in for a visit. I sometimes don’t answer emails because I can’t think of the perfect way to respond. Worse, I see other people’s responses and I am paralyzed in responding because their response was perfect and I can’t find a better one. (Ouch!) I beat myself up for not being the perfect friend, wife, mother, mother-in-law, etc. I’m certain that I could be the perfect (fill in the blank) if I just worked hard enough. I don’t take criticism well. Others sometimes feel like I am critical of them, too. And, the list goes on.Here’s the dirty little secret of Perfect People like me: My perfectionism is rooted in shame. All the while that I’m trying to be perfect, what I’m desperately trying to avoid is shame. I imagine that my efforts towards perfectionism will shield me from feeling shame. Somehow I feel as if I’m not truly (good, smart, beautiful, busy, experienced…etc.) enough. In order to combat the shame of not being enough, I became intent on performing perfectly in order to fake everyone else out, persuading them to like me. The mask that I build to cover my shame and please others works remarkably well for quite a while, but it’s unsustainable for the long haul.Brene Brown puts it this way: “…perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life-paralysis.2 Life-paralysis refers to all the opportunities we miss because we’re too afraid to put anything out in the world that could be imperfect. It’s also all of the dreams that we don’t follow because of our deep fear of failing, making mistakes, and disappointing others. It’s terrifying to risk when you’re a perfectionist; your self-worth is on the line.” (Brown, 56-57)So, what would it look like to let go of perfectionism? Well, if I were perfect, I would have this all figured out! And… I would have all the blogs already written and I would know how to do this!! However, since this is truly a work in progress here are some musings.First, I am forcing myself to blog “on the fly” in order to challenge my idea that I need to have it all perfectly together before I share my thoughts with the world. (I get itchy just writing that sentence!) Will it be a terrible flop? If I fall from the trapeze, will the net hold me? Is there grace enough to hold me, and even if there IS grace, can I truly receive it? To be determined…Second, since there is a tight connection between intentional physical activities and spiritual growth, I will choose to see myself through God’s loving eyes and engage in the following breath prayer whenever I am aware of my urge to let perfectionism run my life: “I am Your beloved daughter.” You see, if I can remember there is nothing I can DO to make God love me more…if I can remember that God’s grace covers my shame…I can step into God’s vision of who I am…His beloved daughter! I think that’s enough…Oh… and… I will commit to reaching out to that handful of people I have resisted answering their emails because I can’t think of the perfect thing to say!!If you are a perfectionist, what other ideas do you have that could help others practice the lifelong art of “letting go” of perfectionism?Note: Here are some resources for learning more about shame and grace.http://truefaced.com/http://www.amazon.com/Shame-Grace-Healing-Dont-Deserve/dp/0060675225http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-but-isnt/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1424386141&sr=1-1&keywords=i+thought+it+was+just+me+brene+brown